Are You a Professional Parent?

Now considered a somewhat hackneyed, patronizing insult, ‘promising young woman’ (as the eponymously named movie is called) originally started out with good intentions – or at least we’d like to believe. Throughout our careers, we’ve been lucky enough to be befriended, mentored and coached by people who thought we had potential and wanted to help us reach it.

It’s a fine line, therefore, between mentoring and – in the workplace – parenting (or at least, behaving in a paternalistic way for the assumed benefit of the less experienced colleague – usually, but not always, a woman).

Have you ever wondered whether you parent too much at work? Have you perhaps not wondered this, but are interested in finding out if you may in fact be professionally parenting, unawares? If you are good at building relationships, act as a sponsor to those less-experienced, and mentor a range of people you may be doing just enough to help – or too much to be professional.

1. Making decisions on behalf of someone

If you have passed up on a job or project opportunity for someone, even out of the best intentions, then you are not treating them as an adult colleague who is in charge of their own lives and development. You may have thought, ‘but she won’t be able to take on these hours’ or ‘the travel is too much’ or even, ‘that country isn’t safe for him to work in’ but unless you have left the decision up to your colleague, you’re out of line. This also includes making decisions in the affirmative without consent – ‘yes, she’d love to take that on – it will provide great experience’ (usually code for unpaid administration or Diversity, Inclusion and Equality work’ or ‘fantastic – I’ll ask Tariq to set up the project in his spare time’.

2. Seeing younger colleagues as ‘the kids’

We’ve all been at the kid’s table some time in our lives, and it’s an overused film trope – the sad, alone adult sitting amongst scores of hyperactive children. While we tend to group according to similarities (that is, similar generations in your workplace may form friendships) if there are kid-table equivalents in your professional life, it’s time to mix things – and people – up. Invite someone different to you to be a reverse mentor or seek out their advice. Ensure that at work events, you include less and more senior people in the same way, mixing them up for maximum learning. Treat people as adults, and they’ll be more likely to act as such.

3. Treating people differently in the name of manners

Opening doors aside (even as proud feminists we have no objection at all) chivalry has nothing to do with thinking you need to protect or save your co-professionals. If you’re prone to providing a ‘word of warning’ in the ears of a younger colleague, ensure you don’t stray into professional parenting by trying to steer them clear of hazards and pitfalls (and people) you think they may be vulnerable to. This is of course a very faint line – we all benefit from advice from time to time. But if it’s not advice you’d provide a more senior, male colleague, we suggest biting your tongue. Comments on appearance are also a firm no (not even – or especially – fatherly ones).

This is all a little tongue in cheek, and the idea of ‘professional parenting’ is too simplistic to provide much shading to the multitude of flavours we form in relationships. But as professionals we’d like you to know that when we form workplace relationships, ask for mentoring, or listen to your advice, we’re not looking for work parents – we’re looking to be respected for our skills, knowledge and experience regardless of age, gender or seniority.